Sinerely,
A Concerned (about gagging in her lap from your smell) Driver

Dear Little Green Elantra Sporting the “Watch More Anime” Sticker:
After freeing myself from behind our smelly friend above, I was blessed enough to drive behind you for several miles. Judging from your distinct driving style, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you watched too much anime.
You seemed to think that jersey walls were for banking corners where there were no corners, and I’m quite sure I saw that your eyes were bugged out taking up four-fifths of your face. Maybe you actually were an anime.

Kindest Regards,
Pikachu Colleen

Dear HOV Enforcement Officer:
I want to thank you for pulling me over yesterday morning as I was flying down the HOV lane, Cooper safely ensconced in his carseat behind me. I know I have passed you nearly every day in the past two weeks because last week as I shot by you at 70mph while you were standing outside your squad car counting heads in passing cars, you hopped up onto the doorframe of your car to better see my rear-facing infant. I would like to think that after seeing me all those times and craning your neck every time I passed you, that you would remember a hot-lookin’ lady in her smelly blue car and vanity plates. I would also like to think you pulled me over just to get a better look at me and had your heart crushed when you saw my wedding ring. So thanks for makin’ my day and letting me see your sweet 20-year old face. And then ruining it by calling me Ma’am.

All My Love Lukewarm Feelings,
A Totally Lawful HOT HOV Driver

To All the Drivers Who Stayed Home Today:
I love you for staying home for whatever your reasons. I was able to get to work, and swing by McDonald’s for some breakfast, in under an hour. There were no reported accidents on my entire route the entire day. I was able to get home without sitting through 6 cycles of a particular light. And for that…MWAH! MWAH!
Now if all of you could just stay home for the rest of my tenure at my current employer, I would really appreciate it. And so would my gas mileage. And my family (nothing like a happy mommy!).

Lots of Love and Tender Hugs,
A Very Happy and Content Mommy Driver

To My “Suns Out, Guns Out” Construction Worker:
I miss you! The End.

I would like to share this lovely award with Law School Hot Mama, LL over at Lag Liv,and LaskiGal at The Cheap Seats…we all have little boys born within a few days and/or weeks of each other and it’s fun to watch each little (or big, in Sumo Baby’s case) boy go through different milestones, and I was kind of curious which of the 4 boys would sleep consistently through the night first (uh, Cooper did…not bragging, though).  Since I got this award about the same time Cooper started sleeping through the night, I figured I’d see if it would help those gals as well.   Actually, while I’m at it, I might as well see if the luck rubs off for Precarious Tomato since her little girl, Cherry, hasn’t exactly been letting mom and dad sleep regularly, although she is a bit younger than the boys–it’s never too early to sleep a good 6-hours straight.

I also got a really cool sparkly bloggly bling from Madame Queen:

Now I’m starting to suspect that she’s not only the Queen, but maybe also a bit of a psychic because she somehow knew that I am a Princess and prance around in a tiara everyday weeklyon occasion:

This was a couple days ago, while home with a sick Cooper.  I also like to wear it while cleaning toilets and cleaning up cat hairballs.

I’d like to pass this lovely tiara award along to Burgh Baby’s Mom, Flea, and to Karen,so that they each can tap into their inner-princess since we all need that once in a while (or a lotta while).

*********************************************************************

Onto other business.  I need to put out some mean props to Karen.  I keep buying stuff at her store because she makes really really really nice products for kids.  In fact, I added her Etsy store to my Business Blogroll so that all of you could buy more stuff so that maybe she’ll have less to tempt me and my PayPal account.   But seriously, I bought shirts for both my kids; for our friend’s daughter, Ainsley; for our other friend’s son, Peyton; for both my godchildren (they uh, haven’t received them yet since my cousin STILL has not released that infant hiding in her womb); I got something for that baby, once s/he makes their debut; I got something for a friend that just had a baby girl; I got stuff for my sister-in-law, who’s expecting a baby in about a month (I snapped it up way early so that I didn’t miss out on the items cuz I’m a freak that way); and I got myself a cute headband.  So I have an addiction…but at least it seems well appreciated:

About an hour later, I hear Cooper up whining and talking to himself. I pull the covers over my head and will him back to sleep. No dice. He keeps talking and moaning and whining. Finally around 1:30am, after he’s had a good hour of entertaining me, he gets annoyed and decides he’s hungry. I get up, feed him, rock him for a while (he seemed really restless and I was not willing to bring him back to my bed), and got back to bed around 2:20am. I was not a happy camper this morning. Which is why I’m still whining instead of giving you some snarky letters to my fellow DC-area drivers. Okay. I’ll shut up now and not get into the conspiracy theory I have about Cooper changing alliances and now partnering with Justin in his attempt to keep me ridiculously sleep deprived. Just please excuse me if you hear any yawning or overt B-n-M (bitching-n’-moaning…not to be confused with BM, which is a nice way of say “poop”).

Dear Cancer Cultivator in the Silver Prius:

We have a lot of you little “green” cars around here. And I love it. I love that all of you have gone out and bought your hybrids for the sake of the Earth and your gas budgets. Virginia loves it so much that they give you cool “Clean Fuel” license plates and allow you the privilege of driving in the HOV lane by yourself! What I don’t love is that while I’m behind you in my little car, you are chain-smokin’ like a man on death row! I actually saw you light your new cigarette with the old one! (please, I’m crabby, no remarks about how close I was driving at 60+mph) The traffic wasn’t even all that bad…I’d hate to see what you do when there’s an accident and they close down 3 lanes. I am of the belief that all the smoke you had billowing out of your car windows completely negated your hybrid vehicle and that you should be banished to the regular travel lanes where the 30mph speed more warrants your anxiety-ridden chain-smoking.

Sincerely,

A Concerned (about my lungs) Driver

Dear Clueless Lady in the Red Jimmy:

Please, please, please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy (and whole), get your brake-lights fixed. You have to be aware from all the chronic brake-screeching behind you that you lack any sort of warning lights letting drivers behind you know that you are slowing down. I’m sure the gentleman in the Nissan between us would agree since he very nearly climbed into your back-seat. At first, I thought that maybe this was a new issue and you might possibly be on your way to get your brake lights repaired this very instance until I noticed that besides having expired license plates, your state inspection tag appears to be a bit over-due as well, meaning that more than likely you been having a great ol’ time watching in your rear-view mirror as the drivers behind you bug their eyes out in panic at your quick stops, like at that light where it just turned yellow as you approached the intersection. Any TRUE Virginia driver will tell you that you can run 6 or 7 cars through the intersection AFTER it’s turned red. Stopping is just a suggestion, not a requirement. And in your case, you (and the rest of us driving behind you) would be better off if you did run a few stale yellow (or even red) lights once in a while.

Kindest Regards,

A Concerned (about my front bumper) Driver

Dear Very Important Parent at my Sons’ Daycare:

I appreciate that you are in a hurry to get to your job and that the rest of us are simply schmucks. I understand that your need to park improperly supercedes any of the rest of us who need to park to drop off our children, because you are a VIP. I totally get it that I was out of line by getting out of my vehicle and trying to retrieve my baby from his carseat in the backseat while you were in the building and not-yet-in-your-car. So in light of your VIPness, I hope you appreciate the scratch down the side of your car from when you opted to walk out of the building, smile at me, hop in your car, start it up, and put it in reverse while I was still retrieving my child from my car. That scratch was a special gift from my car door to you. I guess I should also thank you for allowing me to quickly slam my back door and hop around behind my car before you popped off your passenger-side mirror and/or slammed my own door on my baby and me. That was incredibly decent of you and I hope you saw the gracious words of thanks coming from my lips.

Warmest Thoughts,

A Glad (to be alive? to have my car paid-off? to not have my baby caught in the car door like a white t-shirt? ) Driver

Hope everyone has a blessed Good Friday and a Lovely Easter!

Dear Effing Sniggy B**** in the White Yaris:

I understand that where you need to be is WAY more important than where I need to be, so I apologize for my hostility when you tore-up the right-hand turn lane just to cut me off in the straight-lane next to you. I sometimes lose my temper when people completely forget the rules of the road and put other drivers at risk, which is why I shouted filthy profanities, gestured wildly, and honked my horn at you. Silly me, I forgot that even though I am only a half car-length behind the vehicle in front of me, going 50 mph, that you have the right-of-way to squeeze in front of me. Obviously I should have recognized your importance, what, with your bunch-load of scratches and dents on a vehicle that can’t be more than 2 years old (considering that your car model was first introduced with Toyota’s 2007 model-year).

Sincerely,

A Driver that is Glad Her Kids Weren’t With Her (No need for them to witness a royal smack-down at their young ages)

Dear Punk in the Red Explorer:

Maybe you’re illiterate. Maybe English is not your first language. Maybe you’re just a puffed-up idiot that thinks they’re too important to read the 5 signs that specify “Right Turn Only in Right Lane” or the 7 painted right arrows painted on the lane. Either way, since you think you don’t need to wait in line with the rest of us, you did not get to squeeze in front of me, who had been waiting in line patiently for the past 10 minutes. In a school zone. You should be happy that the police officer sitting near the elementary school didn’t see you and that I was too tired to tattle on you (and I totally would have! yeah, I was in that kind of mood!).

Sincerely,

A Driver Tired of Yielding to Self-Righteous Jerks.

Dear Knucklehead in the Ginormous SUV Behind Me in the HOV Lane:

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated you driving so incredibly close behind me while doing 72mph in the HOV lane with my baby in the back staringat you. You were so close I could see in my rear-view mirror that your little soul patch is slightly crooked and that you have stained teeth. You were also so close that I couldn’t tell who made your SUV until when you decided to try to pass me even though there was no room in the lane next to us for you to squeeze in, nor was the traffic in that lane moving quicker than me in the crowded morning rush. I must commend you for your skill and willingness to ride my back bumper so close at such a high rate of speed–in fact, the only way you could’ve been closer is if I opened my trunk to let you climb on in. Next time I see you , I just might do that.

Sincerely,

A Driver Who Swears There Were Magnets on the Back of Her Car

Dear Roche at DC101:

Thanks for today’s Doo Doo Time Spectacular. I laughed hysterically through the first 10 bars of the song, which is what I needed after driving with the above-mentioned yahoos.

Sincerely,

A Driver Who is a Long Time DDTS Listener

Remember this guy?

Dear Previously Half-Nekid Construction Worker Wandering Aimlessly Near My Sons’ Daycare:

Glad to see you’re back working wandering after a brief cold snap. Also noticed that you are taking advantage of this morning’s balmy 40-degree weather by wearing an extraordinarily filthy waffle-weave “long john” shirt under your bright green safety vest. I can’t wait until tomorrow to see if you reenact “Suns Out, Guns Out” to best enjoy the 50 degrees we’re forecasted to have.

Best Regards,

A Concerned (about my children’s retinas) Driver

Dear Bright Yellow Aveo:

I love your little, itty-bitty, Lemonhead on wheels. What I do not love is when I am driving behind you, trying to run the light the same color as you, and you ssssssllllllloooooooowwwwww dddddddooooooowwwwnnnnnn to about 10 miles an hour through the intersection. I would think that if you’re going to slow down that much that you would just stop for the light…but you politely waited until you were halfway across the intersection to jam on the breaks. Not sure why, unless the grading in the road to keep it from flooding was too high a hill to handle in a high gear? Maybe you were breaking for the railroad crossing a half-mile ahead? I mean, you are the same color as a school bus.

Sincerely,

The Car that Nearly Pushed You Through the Intersection

Dear Freakish Amounts of Jaguar Drivers in One Area of Virginia:

Um, you are not the good Lord’s gift to drivers and cars. In fact, you are simply a souped-up Crown Vic with a kitty glued to the front of your car. Somehow all of you drive like crazy maniacs around those of who lack the cat. Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to drive in such a way as to shake the cat off your hood?…that’s about what it looked like. Otherwise, I’m guessing that the three of you are in a Club and thought hot-rodding at 9am through rush-hour traffic was fun and appropriate. Thanks for the heart-attack.

Warmest Regards,

One of 50 Other Drivers Out to Skin Your Cats

Hi there…I know you are little and cute and ecologically-sound, but I bet you didn’t know that you fit PERFECTLY in my blindspot. I drive a cavalier, so it is a very small blindspot, but you manage to not only fit it, but stay in it for several miles in the grey rain without your headlights on. So sorry if I nearly checked you into the jersey wall-you were not in any of my mirrors and in the rain, I didn’t see you there in my blindspot. Learning to NOT drive in people’s blindspots would be a great plus. Turning on your headlights would be helpful, too. So would driving a car that doesn’t match the rain.

Sincerely,

A Concerned (about Illegal Checking) Driver

Dear Fellow Daycare Parents,

I know you love your big gigantic SUVs, but they just do not fit in the cramped parking spaces at our children’s daycare facility. Maybe if you considered driving your RAV-4 instead of the Land Cruiser to deliver your two children to the daycare, we’d all be able to exit our vehicles without getting dings in our doors. Or me getting my car nearly run over since your big SUVs take up nearly a space-and-a-half, but you as the driver do not seem aware of this fact and try to squeeze that Winnebago-sized truck into a space a Prius can barely fit in (see above…they can fit in some tiny spaces!…but you cannot).

Regards,

A Concerned (about my Paintjob) Driver

Dear Citizens of Centreville, VA,

I know we are located on the coast, in a major metropolitan area, where many people from many lands come to America and bring with them their own driving rules and skills, but you, fine city of Centreville, seem to have an extra-specially large helping of idiot drivers on your city’s fine roads. They refuse to use turn signals, stomp on the brakes any chance they get, ignore rules of the road and road signage, and generally drive like they own the road. What is it about Centreville that draws these people into your city limits? Is your city motto, “bring me your tired, your text-driving, your speeding through school zones?”

I know I drive through your town daily to-and-from work, but I also do extensive driving through your neighboring towns and witness far less driving infractions. I guess I can say that I’m glad these folks are in your town and not mine.

Kindest Regards,

A Concerned (about driving through the Wild Wild West) Driver

I know you are very excited with your new driver’s license and your new little orange car (I know it’s yours because what self-respecting woman over 20 years old would have a car that color…although no offense to those of you women out there over 20 years old who have a car that is that color orange). But it would be good if you put your new driving skills to the test and actually DRIVE your car instead of leaning way overto the side to mess with something while your vehicle is hurtling down a residential side street at nearly 40 mph and into oncoming traffic (ME!). Meanwhile, other drivers (ME again!) are calmly minding their business as they commute to work, carrying precious cargo (Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins!!!!!). So those drivers may feel compelled to honk their horns politely at you to request that you sit up properly and quit trying to hit them head-on. The appropriate response to such a situation would be to sit up quickly and smile sheepishly in an omigosh-I’m-so-sorry-you-saved-me-from-getting-killed-in-a-head-on-collision kind of way…not scowl at your fellow drivers and flip them the bird. Next time it happens, though, some drivers (ME!) will be quite tempted to let you hit them head-on since most of us are better insured and would not be at fault since you crossed the center line. Hopefully my airbag will protect my box of Munchkins.

Regards,

A Concerned (about my breakfast) Driver

Dear Fellow Dulles Tollroad Drivers:

I’ll be brief. GET.A.FRIGGIN’.SMART TAG!!!!

Honestly, people…it doesn’t cost you anything to have a Smart Tag in your car…in fact, it saves you time and aggravation because then you can just ziiiip right through the tollbooth. If you even think you might be on the tollroad once or twice per year, then get a Smart Tag. It even has the added bonus of being accepted in various other states in the Midwest and East Coast (11 states, total). But mostly, I just want you out of my way because nothing ticks me off faster than to go through the “Exact Change/Smart Tag” lane, just to have some smarty not figure out how to toss the correct amount of change into the machine. Which brings me to my next point…

If you’re not going to be smart enough to get a Smart Tag, then please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, put your stinkin’ slow change-throwin’ butts in the “Full Service” lane, where all the rest of the slowpokes and backwards nincompoops go.

Sincerely Yours,

A Tired (of Commuting with Knuckleheads) Driver

p.s. Happy Belated Birthday to the Madame Queen!

I know it is unseasonably warm outside (nearly 80 degrees at 9am in friggin’ October!), and maybe you are working on bringin’ sexy back to the road and construction industry, but maybe consider having elections as to whom in your industry should be running around without a shirt and their bright green safety vest flapping in the breeze created by the passing traffic. You, unfortunately, possess neither the “classic good looks” nor the appropriate weight range for someone to be half-nekid in public. In fact, I nearly drove off the road after catching sight of your unencumbered, visibly unwashed, and sizable girth on the street (note that your colleagues did not appear to have similar filth on their clothing or bodies). If you are of the belief that “Suns Out, Guns Out”, then please consider at least wearing a wife-beater so that you do not cause yourself, or anyone else, injury from the traffic accident that is bound to occur. Also, I would think at least one layer of light cotton would provide some cursory protection from any flying road debris from the traffic. That is, unless, your stomach and chest are already calloused from years of working on roads sans shirt.

My best regards,

a Concerned (about her retinas) Driver

note: if you’d like to hear an actual recording of my initial reaction to our sexy beast of a construction worker…check here…also, be sure to laugh at my ridiculously mundane call to my husband, passively-aggressively begging him to say “yes, my lovely wonderful wife, I’d love to drop the kids off at daycare and spend the entire day with you, love-of-my-life”

Dear Moron in the Green Navigator with Virginia Tags Starting with JJS:

Please consider using those funny, flappy things on the outside of your front windows called “mirrors” the next time you are on the inside lane of a double-left turn and decide to move to the outside lane in the middle of the intersection. There might be a small blue vehicle there with a crazy woman inside. I mean, I know you own the road and all, but when you not only neglect your mirrors, but neglect your turn signals as well, and cut the same blue vehicle off about 1/4 mile farther down the road to get into the turn lane for the expressway, that same crazy woman just might go all “Mama Bear” on yo’ ass because she has her baby in the car. By also using turn signals and mirrors, you also avoid not only Mama Bear, but also avoid receiving spitballs on your vehicle from me “outing” your full license plate and general location.

My kindest regards,

a Concerned (about her front quarter-panel) Driver