No. This is not some perverted euphemism (although you know I’d be laughing at it). I was on my way to drop off Cooper and was coming up to this stoplight at the bottom of the off-ramp, and saw flashing lights from a cop car. As I got closer to the intersection, I saw on TWO police vehicles on the shoulder of the far lane of traffic. In front of these police vehicles was a huge dump truck and the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Unfortunately when I got my new phone in February, I just got another RAZR (for free!) instead of coughing up money for a real camera phone, so you’ll just have to bear with my pictoral witnessing:

You can’t tell in the pictures, but there’s a little bit of damage to the weiner. As you probably already guessed I was laughing too hard to think about going up and around so that I could come up upon the accident closer. Otherwise I’d have much closer crappy pictures.

I almost put “Three Strange Days” like the School of Fish song…but so far it’s only been one strange day. If it continues another two, then we’ll revisit.

Today started like any other day…got up around 6:30am, gave Cooper his cup of formula, let the dogs out, started the coffee, jumped in the shower, and, this is where things got weird: even managed to do a face-mask AND shave while showering. Got out, heard Cooper chirping quietly in his bed, dried my hair and it turned out good right away (what?), could tell that Cooper dozed back off, did my make-up including lipstick (gasp!), got dressed and looked cute with the first items I put on (huh?), and even put on jewelry…and by putting on jewelry I mean more than just my watch and rings. I know I sell jewelry, but in the last 8 or so months it’s been nearly impossible to get up early enough to get ready, let alone coordinate some jewelry with my outfit, even though I have gobs and gobs of Cookie Lee jewelry at my disposal. I put on some cute-but-halfway-sensible heels, grab the baby and head out the door…without having to pull back into the drive to run back in the house for something.

Like I said…strange.

So I drop off Cooper, zoom off to work, get there and while my boss is out the whole week on vacation, one of my co-workers is off today and my other co-worker is there negotiating working from home with our director because something came up at his home. He leaves minutes after I arrive. Since everyone is out, all the weirdos I don’t usually deal with start finding me…of course the company is very large and most of these weirdos are out-of-state. I go to the kitchen and don’t run into anyone. Go to the ladies room and do not see anyone on my trip there or back, or in the restroom.

I go out to McDonald’s to get my supersized extra value meal number one (that would be a Big Mac, Large Fries, and Large Sweet Tea). I was a little stressed with things getting thrown at me in the absence of my team and needed the carbs, fat, and sodium to cope. I run to the bank, then go back to work…neither on my way out or back in did I run into anyone. I went to the kitchen again and didn’t see anyone. There I was, dressed all cute, with nice hair, lipstick, and jewerly, including a necklace that fluttahs…not flutters, mind you, but fluttahs…when you walk (or me, since I was wearing it), and did.not.see.anyone.

I walk out to the lobby and it is POURING! I had no idea it was going to pour so I didn’t bring in my umbrella from the car. And I was parked pretty far from the door. And I was weighed down with my laptop, purse, lunchbag (previously held my snack), travel mug, Sweet Tea cup (rocket fuel for the commute home), and my moster-sized cluster of keychains. I shuffled as fast as I could hobble in wet heels and all my freight…which wasn’t very fast. Seems my cuteness was to be quickly replaced with wet ratness. Especially since by the time I got about 5 miles west, the ground was completely dry. As was the ground at daycare…so I got to look especially strange and wet when it was sunny and not a drop of rain to be found when going in the building to fetch Cooper.

Another strange note? On the radio on the way home, I got to hear “Your Woman” by White Town…haven’t heard that song on a radio since college. And if you know what song I’m talking about, you’ll probably agree because it is quite the odd song…

Back in the car again and I call Justin to walk him through starting dinner. Gavin answers the phone and tells me he had no accidents today (yay!!!…we sometimes have a problem because we wait too long to run for the bathroom…no, I don’t actually have the problem, but it’s a force of habit to talk about my child in the plural nominative case). He also informs me he has a boo-boo on his knee but he’s okay because he got a band-aid. I just started laughing. Then I asked “can I talk to Daddy, please?” and he passes the phone to Justin saying “Mommy wants to talk to you. She say ‘can I talk to Daddy?’” I hear Justin ask, “did she say ‘please’?” and my good boy replied, “yes…she say ‘please’.” I’ve never had that sort of discussion with him over the phone. Usually he loses interest after 10 seconds.

We get home and don’t fight with Gavin to eat his dinner. Cooper only gags once on his dinner. Justin made dinner. Gavin didn’t fight about getting out of the tub. The list of strangeness goes on and on. One of the strangest is that Cooper adopted a 2-inch piece of Take-Along Thomas track off of Gavin’s train table and refused to give it up. Yes. I put my 11-month old to bed with his highly coveted piece of plastic railroad track. Anyone else’s kid have a stranger woobie/lovey than that?

Dear Smelly 1984 Mazda In Front of Me at the Toll Booth:
I totally get that you are saving a lot of money by owning a car older than you. And I’m sure that you think you’re saving on gas by driving a small car, but whatever you’re saving in gas is being spent on refilling your oil. I’m not sure who smells more, you or me, but at least I have my Smart Tag/EZ-Pass and don’t make cars wait behind me at the toll booth, stinkin’ all over them. You, obviously, didn’t get the memo.

Sinerely,
A Concerned (about gagging in her lap from your smell) Driver

Dear Little Green Elantra Sporting the “Watch More Anime” Sticker:
After freeing myself from behind our smelly friend above, I was blessed enough to drive behind you for several miles. Judging from your distinct driving style, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you watched too much anime.
You seemed to think that jersey walls were for banking corners where there were no corners, and I’m quite sure I saw that your eyes were bugged out taking up four-fifths of your face. Maybe you actually were an anime.

Kindest Regards,
Pikachu Colleen

Dear HOV Enforcement Officer:
I want to thank you for pulling me over yesterday morning as I was flying down the HOV lane, Cooper safely ensconced in his carseat behind me. I know I have passed you nearly every day in the past two weeks because last week as I shot by you at 70mph while you were standing outside your squad car counting heads in passing cars, you hopped up onto the doorframe of your car to better see my rear-facing infant. I would like to think that after seeing me all those times and craning your neck every time I passed you, that you would remember a hot-lookin’ lady in her smelly blue car and vanity plates. I would also like to think you pulled me over just to get a better look at me and had your heart crushed when you saw my wedding ring. So thanks for makin’ my day and letting me see your sweet 20-year old face. And then ruining it by calling me Ma’am.

All My Love Lukewarm Feelings,
A Totally Lawful HOT HOV Driver

To All the Drivers Who Stayed Home Today:
I love you for staying home for whatever your reasons. I was able to get to work, and swing by McDonald’s for some breakfast, in under an hour. There were no reported accidents on my entire route the entire day. I was able to get home without sitting through 6 cycles of a particular light. And for that…MWAH! MWAH!
Now if all of you could just stay home for the rest of my tenure at my current employer, I would really appreciate it. And so would my gas mileage. And my family (nothing like a happy mommy!).

Lots of Love and Tender Hugs,
A Very Happy and Content Mommy Driver

To My “Suns Out, Guns Out” Construction Worker:
I miss you! The End.

Or Where I Thought Anthony Kiedis and Flea Were Behind Me on My Commute to Work

Below, from my camera phone on my way to work:

…and from "The Chase":

You can imagine my disappointment to see 3 Latinos crammed in where Anthony and Flea ought’a be.

So since I’m sleep-deprived and grouchy, let’s see what else is on my phone.

This would be where it was 89 degrees mid-April. Where our nice warm weather went is beyond me. It’s nearly June and I still need to run the heat at night.
See all the cars with break lights stretching ahead of me? This would be the kind of traffic I encounter ALL.DAY.EVERY.DAY. And this guy agrees with me:

I guess the chichi DC suburb I work in is trying to get some street cred from badass cities with pothole problems like Chicago, New York, and Muncie :

(sign reads: Potholing Next 2 Miles)

Yes, kids, it’s time again for that fun, fantastic, fanciful game of “What’s that Smell?”  where we give you an odor and you get to guess what it is!  Here’s the first scenario:

We’re sitting in traffic in Colleen’s little 2001 2.4 liter Cavalier, complete with a sporty spoiler (read:  MILF-mobile).  You detect a strange scent…is it:

1. a wayward sippy cup that has been wedged partially under the front passenger seat since Mid-December with a half-ounce of unidentifiable contents
2. Cooper’s diaper
3. Colleen’s cavalier burning oil like a 1970 Buick Skylark
4. Gavin’s butt after Taco Night
5. old formula puke on Cooper’s carseat, or
6. all of the above

And the answer is…anyone?  anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?…yes, you in the back with your hand up, jumping up and down saying “oooh!  oooh!  oooh!”   Yes, #3 is correct!  Colleen’s car is now burning oil and stinking up the place.  Although for those of you playing at home, the judges will also take #2 (have we discussed that this child poops a minimum of 3 times per day?) or even #6, since well, most of you realize that anyone who spends 3 hours a day in the car will have all sorts of scents.  According to our garage, though, there’s not much I can do about my car stinking since it’s 7 years old and up around 93K miles on it…it’s just getting old and leaky.  What bothers me is that it wasn’t getting old and leaky prior to my 90K mile check-up a few weeks ago (where they also did a transmission flush).  Man is that smell annoying and acrid and makes me wonder about the affects it might have on us (particularly the kids) since we sit in the car for so long each day.  I mean, I don’t have smoke billowing out and they stated my car was safe (nothing actually leaking onto the exhaust or any fire hazards), but I still wonder.  Anyone have any words of wisdom?