Wine Please

You’d think after being home for 3 straight days with a sick kid that I’d be able to post something.  You’d be wrong.  And I was wrong for thinking so as well, since said sick child screamed his head off if I got more than 5 inches away from him. 

So now that I’m back at work and the code release I was testing has been abandoned, I have a lot more time on my hands.

 Dear Various Co-workers:

I know when it snows it can be difficult to park properly in our parking lot since building management usually likes to wait for the snow to melt instead of removing it.  But there hasn’t been any snow on the ground in nearly two weeks, so I’m not sure why so many of you cannot figure out how to park your cars.  Are you in that big of a rush to arrive that you just screech into a spot?  Do you have poor motor (and motoring) skills?   I know it is not from a lack of driving experience, as 98% of the employees in this building are between the ages of 35 and 55.  Maybe none of you care about receiving dings, dents, and chips in your paint, and in fact INVITE such damage to your vehicle?  I can only imagine that this is the reason you park this way, because it’s certainly not to protect your car in a lot that is completely full by 9am (except for our 15 handicapped spots, which is a whole other story). 

How NOT to Park:

Thats my rear left tire next to the offending car…either that or park in someone else’s parking lot.

Sincerely,

A Co-Worker that is tired of squeezing into spots next to you (and too lazy to park 2 blocks away)

don’t know….don’t care…too lazy to look….

Remember this guy?

Dear Previously Half-Nekid Construction Worker Wandering Aimlessly Near My Sons’ Daycare:

Glad to see you’re back working wandering after a brief cold snap. Also noticed that you are taking advantage of this morning’s balmy 40-degree weather by wearing an extraordinarily filthy waffle-weave “long john” shirt under your bright green safety vest. I can’t wait until tomorrow to see if you reenact “Suns Out, Guns Out” to best enjoy the 50 degrees we’re forecasted to have.

Best Regards,

A Concerned (about my children’s retinas) Driver

Dear Bright Yellow Aveo:

I love your little, itty-bitty, Lemonhead on wheels. What I do not love is when I am driving behind you, trying to run the light the same color as you, and you ssssssllllllloooooooowwwwww dddddddooooooowwwwnnnnnn to about 10 miles an hour through the intersection. I would think that if you’re going to slow down that much that you would just stop for the light…but you politely waited until you were halfway across the intersection to jam on the breaks. Not sure why, unless the grading in the road to keep it from flooding was too high a hill to handle in a high gear? Maybe you were breaking for the railroad crossing a half-mile ahead? I mean, you are the same color as a school bus.

Sincerely,

The Car that Nearly Pushed You Through the Intersection

Dear Freakish Amounts of Jaguar Drivers in One Area of Virginia:

Um, you are not the good Lord’s gift to drivers and cars. In fact, you are simply a souped-up Crown Vic with a kitty glued to the front of your car. Somehow all of you drive like crazy maniacs around those of who lack the cat. Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to drive in such a way as to shake the cat off your hood?…that’s about what it looked like. Otherwise, I’m guessing that the three of you are in a Club and thought hot-rodding at 9am through rush-hour traffic was fun and appropriate. Thanks for the heart-attack.

Warmest Regards,

One of 50 Other Drivers Out to Skin Your Cats

Dear Little Grey Prius Hiding in my Blindspot,

Hi there…I know you are little and cute and ecologically-sound, but I bet you didn’t know that you fit PERFECTLY in my blindspot. I drive a cavalier, so it is a very small blindspot, but you manage to not only fit it, but stay in it for several miles in the grey rain without your headlights on. So sorry if I nearly checked you into the jersey wall-you were not in any of my mirrors and in the rain, I didn’t see you there in my blindspot. Learning to NOT drive in people’s blindspots would be a great plus. Turning on your headlights would be helpful, too. So would driving a car that doesn’t match the rain.

Sincerely,

A Concerned (about Illegal Checking) Driver

Dear Fellow Daycare Parents,

I know you love your big gigantic SUVs, but they just do not fit in the cramped parking spaces at our children’s daycare facility. Maybe if you considered driving your RAV-4 instead of the Land Cruiser to deliver your two children to the daycare, we’d all be able to exit our vehicles without getting dings in our doors. Or me getting my car nearly run over since your big SUVs take up nearly a space-and-a-half, but you as the driver do not seem aware of this fact and try to squeeze that Winnebago-sized truck into a space a Prius can barely fit in (see above…they can fit in some tiny spaces!…but you cannot).

Regards,

A Concerned (about my Paintjob) Driver

Dear Citizens of Centreville, VA,

I know we are located on the coast, in a major metropolitan area, where many people from many lands come to America and bring with them their own driving rules and skills, but you, fine city of Centreville, seem to have an extra-specially large helping of idiot drivers on your city’s fine roads. They refuse to use turn signals, stomp on the brakes any chance they get, ignore rules of the road and road signage, and generally drive like they own the road. What is it about Centreville that draws these people into your city limits? Is your city motto, “bring me your tired, your text-driving, your speeding through school zones?”

I know I drive through your town daily to-and-from work, but I also do extensive driving through your neighboring towns and witness far less driving infractions. I guess I can say that I’m glad these folks are in your town and not mine.

Kindest Regards,

A Concerned (about driving through the Wild Wild West) Driver

Dear Teeny-Bopper in the Orange Roller Skate:

I know you are very excited with your new driver’s license and your new little orange car (I know it’s yours because what self-respecting woman over 20 years old would have a car that color…although no offense to those of you women out there over 20 years old who have a car that is that color orange). But it would be good if you put your new driving skills to the test and actually DRIVE your car instead of leaning way overto the side to mess with something while your vehicle is hurtling down a residential side street at nearly 40 mph and into oncoming traffic (ME!). Meanwhile, other drivers (ME again!) are calmly minding their business as they commute to work, carrying precious cargo (Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins!!!!!). So those drivers may feel compelled to honk their horns politely at you to request that you sit up properly and quit trying to hit them head-on. The appropriate response to such a situation would be to sit up quickly and smile sheepishly in an omigosh-I’m-so-sorry-you-saved-me-from-getting-killed-in-a-head-on-collision kind of way…not scowl at your fellow drivers and flip them the bird. Next time it happens, though, some drivers (ME!) will be quite tempted to let you hit them head-on since most of us are better insured and would not be at fault since you crossed the center line. Hopefully my airbag will protect my box of Munchkins.

Regards,

A Concerned (about my breakfast) Driver

Dear Fellow Dulles Tollroad Drivers:

I’ll be brief. GET.A.FRIGGIN’.SMART TAG!!!!

Honestly, people…it doesn’t cost you anything to have a Smart Tag in your car…in fact, it saves you time and aggravation because then you can just ziiiip right through the tollbooth. If you even think you might be on the tollroad once or twice per year, then get a Smart Tag. It even has the added bonus of being accepted in various other states in the Midwest and East Coast (11 states, total). But mostly, I just want you out of my way because nothing ticks me off faster than to go through the “Exact Change/Smart Tag” lane, just to have some smarty not figure out how to toss the correct amount of change into the machine. Which brings me to my next point…

If you’re not going to be smart enough to get a Smart Tag, then please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, put your stinkin’ slow change-throwin’ butts in the “Full Service” lane, where all the rest of the slowpokes and backwards nincompoops go.

Sincerely Yours,

A Tired (of Commuting with Knuckleheads) Driver

p.s. Happy Belated Birthday to the Madame Queen!

Wanna know how I know?  my crazy half-nekid construction worker took my suggestion and was wearing a mostly-clean wife-beater under his bright green safety vest this morning, even though we are forecasted to have a record-breaking high of 91 degrees today (no, I do not live in Phoenix, Dallas, or Orlando, although you’d think so with the weather we’re having).