They’re Trying to Kill Me

I truly believe that my kids are trying to kill me.  I am currently (successfully?) fighting a cold.  I don’t feel too bad, just a little congested and run-down.  But now both kids have re-implemented their Plan to Kill Mommy after a two-week hiatus where both were sleeping well through the night.

  • 11:30pm–I go to bed
  • 1:00am–wake up from some weird, cold-induced dream…take a deep breath, realize all that weirdness was a dream and go back to sleep
  • 1:50am–Cooper is up crying.  Stumble around a suspicious-looking dark spot on hallway carpet, grumble about the cats, and go into Cooper’s room to give him his pacifier.  No dice.  So I nurse him and he eats like he’s been starving for days while I doze lightly.
  • 2:15am–Put Cooper back into his crib where he seems a little more awake than ANYONE should be at this time of night.  Try giving him his pacifier and he gets annoyed at me and grunts.  Shrug, pat his belly and leave the room with him still slightly awake because I’m not awake enough to try rocking him.  Figure I’ll wake up more if he decides to shriek.
  • 4:00am–Gavin comes into our room complaining about his arm (he frequently lays on it and it falls asleep).  But since he wasn’t crying, Justin figured it wasn’t his arm and decided to see if he needed to go potty.  Justin takes Gavin into our bathroom and helps him pee, then brings him back into bed with us.  I protest against it by moaning “no” in a very sleepy/annoyed/sick tone.  No luck.  Hear Justin babble something about coughing until he pukes…blah blah blah…and I think “not in my BED!” and fall asleep to the sound of Gavin coughing and decide if Gavin coughs still he pukes, I’m not cleaning it up.
  • 6:10am–Cooper is up fussing.  I pray it’s one of those mid-sleep fusses.  He starts screaming.  Hmmmm…guess not.  I stumble out of bed to his room, being careful to step over the suspicious-looking dark spot on the carpet that is still there (was secretly hoping it was part of a dream sequence).  Cooper is now shrieking at full-volume and I see the neighbor’s lights turn on.  Shrug, pick up my little banshee and nurse him.  He finally quiets down.  I have a big cough and he pulls away shrieking and crying and generally complaining about the noise I’m generating while he’s trying to enjoy a peaceful early breakfast.
  • 6:40am–Stumble back to bed.  See that Justin has taken over my spot and Gavin is all spread out in Justin’s usual spot.  Decide to just start getting ready for work…shouldn’t lay back down anyways or I’ll regret it.
  • 6:45am–Finish peeing and go to stand up.  While doing so, I readjust my footing and realize that I’ve stepped in something wet and nearly slip all at the same time.  In the dawning light in the bathroom, can see there is definitely something liquid on the floor around the base of the toilet from about the 1 o’clock position to about the 7 o’clock position.  Sigh…wash feet with anti-bacterial soap.  Turn on the light and see that it is pee, presumably from Gavin’s 4am trip.  Wonder if any of it actually hit in the toilet bowl.  Turn and see another puddle about a foot in front of the toilet, too.  Sigh again and realize it’s not loud enough for Justin to wake up to hear me and assist…make a mental note to work on deeper breath to make bigger *sigh* noise. Start wiping up the mess and disinfecting the floor.
  • 7:00am–Wash hands and start getting ready for work.
  • 8:00am–Clean dark spot on carpet (cat puke).
  • 8:20am–Leave for work late and realize 3 miles down the road that I forgot to grab some cold medicine so that I can cope.  Shrug and hope to grab a nap while pumping.

About the Author


This is a blog where I will share my adventures and mundane tasks as a work-out-of-home-mom. I now have 2 kids and my wonderful husband, so the juggling has gotten a little bit more tricky (man-on-man defense). We also have 2 dogs and 3 cats (we used to have 4) so as you can imagine, our household is pretty busy. Since I never feel like I'm being listened to, I figured I'll just start talking at the general Internet community and see what happens.


precarious tomato

Dang. Kids and cats ought not to start leaking bodily fluids all willy nilly at the same time.

I hope you feel better. My grandmother always swore by whiskey shots for a cold. Or a fever. Or a headache. Or a day of the week that ended in ‘Y’.


I’m sure we’ve told you the “stairs” story in my family’s first house. It must be an inherited thing…

Madame Queen

I can totally related. Ever since we moved Punkin to the toddler bed we’ve had some kind of middle of the night “crisis” i.e., sippy cup empty, can’t find higgie, fell asleep on the floor/under the bed. Sigh. I think I need to work on a bigger sigh, too!


Thank you for making me feel normal about the whole stepping in pee ordeal. I am now making my kid sit on the toilet in the middle of the night. His shooting skill are just nocturnally sub par. And that is the worst way to start the day.

I hope you begin to feel better. And I think you are right. They are trying to kill you, but I’d consider that the cats are part of the plot as well.


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