Thursday Thirteen…13 Reasons I Should Never Be Called “Smarty Pants”

I don’t claim to be of any great intelligence…maybe slightly above average. I mean, I did well enough on my ACTs and SATs and my high school classes to get a really good scholarship at Ball State University, but I am no means brilliant. And this list is a testament:

Took me several years, and a dirty look from my husband, to realize that cocoa butter smells like chocolate brownies because it’s made from cocoa. I seriously just thought it was a coincidence that I smelled so yummy after slathering up in that stuff nearly every night throughout both pregnancies and several winters.
I consistently wear heeled shoes (loafers, pumps, boots) when it’s icy out. Not too much of a problem when I lived in Chicago or was at school in Muncie, IN, but here in we-get-significant-snow-every-year-but-freak-out-and-don’t-budget-for-road-and-parking-lot-clearing-northern-Virginia, the roads, parking lots, and sidewalks are generally not cleared off in a timely manner (or at all, sometimes), and for whatever reason, I still wear the heels, and then wonder why I end up on my butt out in the parking lot.
To make matters worse, I will wear heels while it’s icy and while carrying a fully-loaded infant car-seat, thus, possibly setting myself up for child neglect charges when I slip and fall with the baby.
You would not believe what I walked out of the house wearing today. Seriously. I am wearing light colored jeans, a teal t-shirt, and a charcoal sweater. Seems okay, right? well, read on: I am also wearing navy and baby blue socks (that look okay with the jeans…in my head at least), and faux snakeskin/croc skin heeled loafers that are kind of black/grey. Not sure what I was thinking. But I’ve done that before, where I obviously have two different thoughts in my head about what I’m going to wear and somehow merge them, and don’t realize it until I’m in public and very far away from my closets.
On a regular basis I will walk all the way into my office building, past three sets of locked doors, sit down, and realize that I left my laptop in my car.
Which at least is better than when I get all the way to work and realize I have left my laptop at home.
I have left Cooper’s diaper bag full of pre-made bottles sitting in my foyer next to the garage door where I exit the house each workday several times. One time I got all the way to daycare (15 miles and 30 min away) before I realized what happened.
While I might be big and feisty here on my blog (well, not too feisty, I know my parents and my friends’ parents read it), I can be painfully shy in social situations. And to add to the fun, I will blurt out weird things, almost involuntarily. I’m sure I have mortified my husband more times than he can count with my social ineptitude (that’s not to say that you shouldn’t ever invite me over…I do warm up to folks fairly easily and am then reasonably tolerable and funny and endearing and less-weird).
While still in college, I went to a party with some co-workers. We were having a great time drinking something, I dunno WHAT it was…I just know it was good and I drank a lot and it was that liquor that has the crystals in the bottle. Well, someone broke off the side of the bottle so we could get to the crystals. I reached clumsily into the broken bottle to pull off a few crystals and managed to slice open my thumb. I bled all over the place and probably should’ve gotten stitches. I still have that huge scar on my thumb today. Even if I was 100% sober, I would’ve still reached into the broken bottle and would’ve sliced open my thumb. *note* I remembered what alcohol it was: Aftershock
I’ve bought the same gift for my husband for Christmas two years in a row. Thankfully I realized it the second time before I gave it to him. If he’s reading this post, he’s just now learning about it. Hi honey! You almost got a second copy of The Princess Bride.
I’ve left Ginger outside all day while at work. Got home after a good 9 or 10 hours away from the house, go to let her out of her crate and it’s open. Maggie is wagging expectantly by the back door and I’m running all over the house screaming for Ginger, thinking she must’ve eaten something and was passed-out or dead somewhere in the house. Nope. Instead, I left her out in they yard the entire day without a bowl of water.
I drove nearly 20 miles with Cooper not strapped into his seat. We were at Babies R Us and he started crying. I pulled him out of his carseat to rock and soothe him (he was only 3 weeks old), and set him back into his seat without strapping him in, just in case he started crying again before we finished checking out. Well, I forgot and didn’t realize it until I got home. I actually started crying because I scared myself with my own stupidity, and because I was so grateful that I didn’t get into a car accident.
A few weeks ago when I picked up both boys from daycare, I was trying to get them loaded in the car quickly because it was really cold. As usual, I had Gavin get in on Cooper’s side of the car, the clicked Cooper in. He sat immediately in his seat and I got into mine. And I drove away. It wasn’t until I took a quick corner 4 blocks away that I realized I forgot to strap Gavin into his seat because I hear “whoa!!!!” and I see is butt going behind my shoulder. He got out of his seat to see Cooper and when I took that corner, he was standing on the hump on the floor of my backseat and went swinging around into the foot-well on his side of the car. I freaked, but managed to safely turn into a subdivision and got him strapped in.

So there you are…13 knucklehead moves…enjoy them…I’m still laughing at most of them.

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