Letters While Driving

Dear Construction Worker Walking Listlessly Near the Construction Worksite Near My Sons’ School:

I know it is unseasonably warm outside (nearly 80 degrees at 9am in friggin’ October!), and maybe you are working on bringin’ sexy back to the road and construction industry, but maybe consider having elections as to whom in your industry should be running around without a shirt and their bright green safety vest flapping in the breeze created by the passing traffic. You, unfortunately, possess neither the “classic good looks” nor the appropriate weight range for someone to be half-nekid in public. In fact, I nearly drove off the road after catching sight of your unencumbered, visibly unwashed, and sizable girth on the street (note that your colleagues did not appear to have similar filth on their clothing or bodies). If you are of the belief that “Suns Out, Guns Out”, then please consider at least wearing a wife-beater so that you do not cause yourself, or anyone else, injury from the traffic accident that is bound to occur. Also, I would think at least one layer of light cotton would provide some cursory protection from any flying road debris from the traffic. That is, unless, your stomach and chest are already calloused from years of working on roads sans shirt.

My best regards,

a Concerned (about her retinas) Driver

note: if you’d like to hear an actual recording of my initial reaction to our sexy beast of a construction worker…check here…also, be sure to laugh at my ridiculously mundane call to my husband, passively-aggressively begging him to say “yes, my lovely wonderful wife, I’d love to drop the kids off at daycare and spend the entire day with you, love-of-my-life”

Dear Moron in the Green Navigator with Virginia Tags Starting with JJS:

Please consider using those funny, flappy things on the outside of your front windows called “mirrors” the next time you are on the inside lane of a double-left turn and decide to move to the outside lane in the middle of the intersection. There might be a small blue vehicle there with a crazy woman inside. I mean, I know you own the road and all, but when you not only neglect your mirrors, but neglect your turn signals as well, and cut the same blue vehicle off about 1/4 mile farther down the road to get into the turn lane for the expressway, that same crazy woman just might go all “Mama Bear” on yo’ ass because she has her baby in the car. By also using turn signals and mirrors, you also avoid not only Mama Bear, but also avoid receiving spitballs on your vehicle from me “outing” your full license plate and general location.

My kindest regards,

a Concerned (about her front quarter-panel) Driver