Dear Teeny-Bopper in the Orange Roller Skate:
I know you are very excited with your new driver’s license and your new little orange car (I know it’s yours because what self-respecting woman over 20 years old would have a car that color…although no offense to those of you women out there over 20 years old who have a car that is that color orange). But it would be good if you put your new driving skills to the test and actually DRIVE your car instead of leaning way overto the side to mess with something while your vehicle is hurtling down a residential side street at nearly 40 mph and into oncoming traffic (ME!). Meanwhile, other drivers (ME again!) are calmly minding their business as they commute to work, carrying precious cargo (Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins!!!!!). So those drivers may feel compelled to honk their horns politely at you to request that you sit up properly and quit trying to hit them head-on. The appropriate response to such a situation would be to sit up quickly and smile sheepishly in an omigosh-I’m-so-sorry-you-saved-me-from-getting-killed-in-a-head-on-collision kind of way…not scowl at your fellow drivers and flip them the bird. Next time it happens, though, some drivers (ME!) will be quite tempted to let you hit them head-on since most of us are better insured and would not be at fault since you crossed the center line. Hopefully my airbag will protect my box of Munchkins.
A Concerned (about my breakfast) Driver
Dear Fellow Dulles Tollroad Drivers:
I’ll be brief. GET.A.FRIGGIN’.SMART TAG!!!!
Honestly, people…it doesn’t cost you anything to have a Smart Tag in your car…in fact, it saves you time and aggravation because then you can just ziiiip right through the tollbooth. If you even think you might be on the tollroad once or twice per year, then get a Smart Tag. It even has the added bonus of being accepted in various other states in the Midwest and East Coast (11 states, total). But mostly, I just want you out of my way because nothing ticks me off faster than to go through the “Exact Change/Smart Tag” lane, just to have some smarty not figure out how to toss the correct amount of change into the machine. Which brings me to my next point…
If you’re not going to be smart enough to get a Smart Tag, then please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, put your stinkin’ slow change-throwin’ butts in the “Full Service” lane, where all the rest of the slowpokes and backwards nincompoops go.
A Tired (of Commuting with Knuckleheads) Driver
p.s. Happy Belated Birthday to the Madame Queen!